ANOTHER CAKE IN THE BASEMENT WEDDING

You normally would not go, but the bride and/or groom are friends, relatives, or have photos of you that will eliminate you from filing for dog-catcher,   Since you must give up your commitment to class, use this score sheet to have a little fun and rate the event.  Higher scores indicate level of tackiness. 

Soloist does pseudo-religious version of current hot country tune to taped accompaniment   +10

                Tape wow and flutter are audible, 5 bonus points

Groom and attendants have ties, cummerbunds, and/or vests that match the bridesmaids’ dresses which are other than black.  +10 points.

Add 5 bonus points for each color on groom and attendants beyond black, white, and bridesmaid's color.

Subtract 5 points for tasteful boutonniere that complements wedding colors.

In spite of professional photographer, large circle of attendees photograph every event with annoying flashes, 5 points.

                Photographer is dressed in wedding attire, -3

                Photographer is dressed to film episode of Crocodile Hunter, +5

                Photographer interrupts ceremony with audible motor drive +10

Preacher is miked up;  bride and grooms vows are inaudible, +10

Male Preacher has clearly more expensive hairdo than bride, +5

Cake is served in the church basement with NO alcohol permitted, +10 pts

                Someone spikes punch -- spontaneous party breaks out.  Forget score and have a good time

Groom pulls off bride's garter with teeth, +15

Bride and groom crush wedding cake into each other's faces; +20

                Audible slaps result         +5

                Bride and groom engage in serious fisticuffs, must be pulled apart by attendants, +50

Dollar dance +10

Dance with bride auctioned off     +40

Wedding night with bride auctioned off -cease scoring.  This is a professional operation and your amateur standing is in jeopardy.  

Score

150+                  Record category tacky.  Contact Guinness Book of Records. 

100-149:           Your subscription to Architectural Digest is hereby revoked, to be replaced with American   Truck Stops

55 – 100:         Pretty tacky, but not really outstanding in any category

Below 55,        Some attempt to have a little class evident -- event might have been salvaged with a little effort.

THE WATER LEVEL

When we moved beyond the end of the pavement, my wife Nancy and I decided to build our dream home.  Although playing the role of general contractors, we wanted to do as much ourselves as we could.

We took on the siding ourselves.   After studying siding books, our greatest concern became keeping the whole thing level and matching across the many corners and windows.  The most expensive book we had recommended a water level.

Unlike the book, the water level was cheap; a couple of plastic tubes with hose connectors.  The project was complicated by three factors; our lack of experience, a set of instructions apparently translated from English to Chinese and back to English, and the 200 feet between the water source and the as yet unplumbed home.  To these, we added one more problem; an early spring day with a high in the low 40’s.

Had it not been so cold, the scenes on that first day could have been “Keystone Cops Start a Siding Project.”  In reality, it was more like one of those falling in love sequences in a romantic film, only backwards.  Every failure to follow the instructions precisely resulted in a failure to close one of the tubes at the proper time, with a consequent squirt of cold water on a cold day.  Adding to this was the 200 foot trudge back to the water source to replace the cold stuff that was all over us.  The agony and irritation were miserable.  Love threatened to degenerate into active dislike or worse before our very eyes.

We avoided severe marital problems only because it seemed when I was about to lose my temper with Nancy’s inability to follow the directions with consequent additions to my discomfort in the form of unexpected dashes of icy cold water,  I would manage to err in such a way as to soak her.  Anyone experienced with such a device will be amazed that it took the entire morning to carry one level mark across the garage and half the front of the house. 

As Spring and Summer wore on, we used a combination of carpenter’s levels and the dreaded water level to carry the precious starting mark along the home.  We obtained much advice as to the futility of the effort as we worked with an outside diameter of 220’.  Drives around town confirmed the accuracy of this advice; we observed many professional and do-it-yourself siding projects where the clapboards did not match at some, many, or all of the corners.

Undeterred, we pressed on with the water level.  We were slowly getting smarter, and the dousings became pleasant in the summer heat. 

 The corner we had eyed  as the finish point neared.  We had cleverly planned it for the back where any errors would be obvious only to us.  Once the wall under construction met the finished side, we would see the results.

The clapboards missed meeting by less than an eighth of an inch, invisible to an eye more than five feet from the back corner.   

We learned a few lessons in the process. 

• Experience is a great teacher.  Even with the worst set of instructions I have seen since a few Christmas Eves ago when assembling toys for our children, we mastered the dreaded water level in only a few uses.
• Press on, regardless.

• Strive for perfection, whatever the tolerances on a particular job.  For the low skilled, striving for perfection will result in enough mistakes to stay in tolerance.   Once in awhile, you will actually realize the elusive joy of a perfect job.

• A laser level is much less expensive than two divorce attorneys.